Your Christmas Card – Build A Snowman

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Credit: Thanks Pamela – image is screen shot from the site
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Scottish Divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don’t do a single thing until I get there.

I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Christmas Eve – In Australia

Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn’t a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We’d left on the table some tucker and beer
Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here
We children were snuggled up safe in our beds
While dreams of pavlova danced ’round in our heads.

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts
Had just settled down to watch TV sports
When outside the house a mad ruckus arose
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out
Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout
Guess what had woken us up from our snooze
But a rusty old Ute pulled by six mighty ‘roos.

 The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be
Now, I’m telling the truth it’s all dinki-di
Those six kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins
And encouraged the ‘roos, by calling their names
‘Now, Kylie! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink
I’ll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!
So up to the tank those six kangaroos flew
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound
He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat
His eyes – bright as opals – Oh! How they twinkled
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly
A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree
Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb
He strolled out on deck and his ‘roos came on cue
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates
MERRY CHRISTMAS to All
Goodonya, Mates!

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Credit: Thanks John
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Colourful Christmas Collection

Something to brighten your day

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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Funny Quips #18

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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Jingle Bell Rock

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Click on the image to play Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms

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Main Image Credit: Tech109 (Flickr) (CC BY 2.0) Source
Feature Image Credit: Larisa [Myshun] (Pixabay) (CC0) Source

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Credit:  Thanks Bobby Helms
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Leroy – The Redneck Reindeer

Leroy The Redneck Reindeer by Joe Diffie

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Main Image Credit: Thank you Joe Diffie  (image is a screen shot from the video) 
Feature Image Credit: Thank you Stefan Schweihofer [Stux] (Pixabay) (CC0) Source
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The 12 Days of Christmas

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Wouldn’t be Christmas if we didn’t have a chuckle at Frank Kelly’s The Twelve Days of Christmas – so funny …..  Click on the image to play The Twelve Days of Christmas.

 
 

Main Image Credit: Xavier Romero-Frias [Wikimedia] (CC BY-SA 3.0) Source
Feature Image Credit: Jonny Lindner  [Comfreak] (Pixabay) (CC0) Source 

 
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Credit:  Thanks Frank Kelly
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Doing a Better Job

A girl is out in the back yard with her grandpa and is studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She asks if she can touch his face, and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles.

She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally she asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

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Credit: Thanks Jenny
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Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (A.A.A.D.D.)

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS – This is how it manifests:

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I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on
the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

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As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

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I decide to go through the mail before I  
wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

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So, I decide to put the bills back on the table
and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

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I open my cheque book and see that there is only 
one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

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I’m going to look for my cheques,  but first I need
to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

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The Pepsi is getting warm,  and I decide to 
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye – they need water.

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I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover
my reading glasses that I’ve been searching
for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

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I set the glasses back down on the counter, 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

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I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,  
I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t
remember that it’s on the kitchen table.
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

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I pour some water in the flowers, but 
quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

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Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

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At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed
The bills aren’t paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don’t have enough water
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
I can’t find the remote
I can’t find my glasses
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today ……..
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

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I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll
try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email….

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Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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If it makes you smile it can't be bad

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