Phyllis Diller One Liners

Sadly, Phyllis died on August 20 2012 in Los Angeles at the age of 95.

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Whatever you may look like, 
Marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades,
So will his eyesight.

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Housework can’t kill you, 
But why take a chance?

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Cleaning your house while your kids are 
Still growing up is like shoveling the walk
Before it stops snowing.

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The reason women don’t play football is 
Because 11 of them would never wear
The same outfit in public.

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Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: 
Eat out.

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A bachelor is a guy who never made the 
same mistake once.

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I want my children to have all  
the things I couldn’t afford.
Then I want to move in with them.

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Most children threaten at times to run  
away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

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Any time three New Yorkers get into a 
cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. 
I was in his room.

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What I don’t like about office Christmas
parties is looking for a job the next day.

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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing
was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

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My photographs don’t do me justice – 
they just look like me.

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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. 
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

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Tranquilizers work only if you follow
the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

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The reason the golf pro tells you to keep
your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

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You know you’re old if they have
discontinued your blood type.

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Credit: Thanks Bob
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