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Credit: Thanks Pamela – image is screen shot from the site
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there.
I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Credit: Thanks Pamela
Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn’t a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
We’d left on the table some tucker and beer
Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here
We children were snuggled up safe in our beds
While dreams of pavlova danced ’round in our heads.
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts
Had just settled down to watch TV sports
When outside the house a mad ruckus arose
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.
We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out
Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout
Guess what had woken us up from our snooze
But a rusty old Ute pulled by six mighty ‘roos.
The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be
Now, I’m telling the truth it’s all dinki-di
Those six kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins
And encouraged the ‘roos, by calling their names
‘Now, Kylie! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!
Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink
I’ll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!
So up to the tank those six kangaroos flew
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.
He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound
He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.
He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat
His eyes – bright as opals – Oh! How they twinkled
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!
His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly
A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.
He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree
Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.
A mysterious package he left for our Mum
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb
He strolled out on deck and his ‘roos came on cue
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.
He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates
MERRY CHRISTMAS to All
Credit: Thanks John
Wouldn’t be Christmas if we didn’t have a chuckle at Frank Kelly’s The Twelve Days of Christmas – so funny ….. Click on the image to play The Twelve Days of Christmas.
Credit: Thanks Frank Kelly
A girl is out in the back yard with her grandpa and is studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She asks if she can touch his face, and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally she asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
Credit: Thanks Jenny
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
We missed the
We missed the
We missed the bloody
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
“The word was ….
Credit: Thanks Johnny P
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one man who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Nope, sure ain’t’ said the man.
‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute ‘ returned the man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep’ was the calm reply.
‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope’ said the man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied ‘Been married to your sister for many years.’
Credit: Thanks Pamela