Credit: Thanks to so many
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one man who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Nope, sure ain’t’ said the man.
‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute ‘ returned the man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep’ was the calm reply.
‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope’ said the man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied ‘Been married to your sister for many years.’
Credit: Thanks Pamela
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much…
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts, because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age, said a geriatric specialist, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.
Credit: Thanks Pamela
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital Watches!”
A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over Manly Beach.
Tower (Female voice): “Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I’m going to have to hold you over the Manly area.”
Cessna WYXD: “I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower:”Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take off queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this ….. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for take off.”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San JoseTower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
“Because you lost the bloody war!”
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We’ve already notified our caterers.”
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:”Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:”Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):”Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly):”Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and I didn’t land.”
While taxiing at London’s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
Credit: Thanks Pamela
The doctor of an 80-year-old woman had finally retired. Therefore, at the elderly lady’s next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized that the little old Grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, you do realize that these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, doctor. They really help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith” he said, flabbergasted, “I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
The old lady reached out and patted the innocent, young doctor’s knee:
“Yes, dear. I understand. But believe me. They definitely help me sleep at night…”
“…You see, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks!”
Credit: Thanks Danielle
Well, I’m in the hospital to start off my New Year’s break!
Today has not been a good day.
I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven’t done for years. It turned out to be a big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn’t take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn’t stop.
Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine.
But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the Elephant.
Credit: Thanks Jewels