Category Archives: Humour

Funny Quips #24 – For the Oldies

 

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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Passwords

Some elderly friends were venting their frustrations about the woes of modern technology.

“I just can’t ever seem to remember my darn passwords,” grumbled one of them.

One man smiled and said  “Oh really? I can never forget mine!”

“How do you manage it?” asked the first guy curiously.

“Well, I simply set all my passwords to ‘Incorrect’ so that whenever I’m told that my password is incorrect, I’ll remember it!”

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Credit: Thanks Caroline
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Animal Quips #29

 

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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Funny Quips #23 – Coffee!!!!!!!

 

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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The Wedding

Herbert, aged 92, and Elsie, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Herbert suggested they go in.

Herbert asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.

“Medicine for rheumatism?”

“Definitely,” he said.

“How about Viagra?”

“Of course.”

“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

“Yes, the works.”

“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”

“Absolutely.”

“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

“All speeds and sizes.”

“Good,” Herbert said to the pharmacist. “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.”

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Credit: Thanks Rob
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Thief

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of it’s valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”

Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

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Credit: Thanks Charles
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Funny Quips #22

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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Signs #35

 

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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The Importance of Walking

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
And we don’t know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year.
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good, doesn’t she?’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years…
Just getting “over the hill”.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

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Credit: Thanks Joan
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Me …. Behave????

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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