Category Archives: Seniors

Scottish Divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don’t do a single thing until I get there.

I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Doing a Better Job

A girl is out in the back yard with her grandpa and is studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She asks if she can touch his face, and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles.

She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally she asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

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Credit: Thanks Jenny
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Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (A.A.A.D.D.)

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS – This is how it manifests:

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I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on
the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

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As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

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I decide to go through the mail before I  
wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

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So, I decide to put the bills back on the table
and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

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I open my cheque book and see that there is only 
one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

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I’m going to look for my cheques,  but first I need
to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

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The Pepsi is getting warm,  and I decide to 
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye – they need water.

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I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover
my reading glasses that I’ve been searching
for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

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I set the glasses back down on the counter, 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

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I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,  
I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t
remember that it’s on the kitchen table.
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

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I pour some water in the flowers, but 
quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

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Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

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At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed
The bills aren’t paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don’t have enough water
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
I can’t find the remote
I can’t find my glasses
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today ……..
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

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I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll
try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email….

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Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Happy Father’s Day

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty brunette in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset.

He spoke to the salesman sharply.

“Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price…. See you later, Dad, Happy Father’s Day.”

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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For Grandma and Grandpa #2

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much…

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts, because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said a geriatric specialist, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Helping Me Sleep at Night

 

The doctor of an 80-year-old woman had finally retired. Therefore, at the elderly lady’s next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized that the little old Grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, you do realize that these are birth control pills?”

“Yes, doctor. They really help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith” he said, flabbergasted, “I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

The old lady reached out and patted the innocent, young doctor’s knee:

“Yes, dear. I understand. But believe me. They definitely help me sleep at night…”

“…You see, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks!”

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Credit: Thanks Danielle
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Facebook and Twitter

BlackberryWhen I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

GPSWhen I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

Cordless PhoneTo be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

GroceriesThe world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

TwitterNow I toss it back to them. When they ask me “Paper or Plastic?” I just say “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.”

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Us senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

Remotes

 

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Credit: Thanks Pamela

Sex And Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say “1-2-3”. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.’
Native American
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked ‘How do I stop the medicine from working?’

Your partner must say “1-2-3-4”,’ he responded ‘but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.’

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said ‘1-2-3!’

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked ‘What was the 1-2-3 for?’

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Credit: Thanks Pamela

Senior’s Personal Ads

Some ‘Senior’ personal ads seen in a Florida newspapers:

Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′)
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion
Matching white shoes and belt a plus

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation
If you are the silent type, let’s get together
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock
Still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
And still like to play the guitar
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen
Let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Let’s put our two heads together

MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well

Elderly Couple

 

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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