Category Archives: Seniors

Happy Father’s Day

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty brunette in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset.

He spoke to the salesman sharply.

“Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price…. See you later, Dad, Happy Father’s Day.”

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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For Grandma and Grandpa #2

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much…

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts, because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said a geriatric specialist, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Helping Me Sleep at Night

 

The doctor of an 80-year-old woman had finally retired. Therefore, at the elderly lady’s next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized that the little old Grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, you do realize that these are birth control pills?”

“Yes, doctor. They really help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith” he said, flabbergasted, “I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

The old lady reached out and patted the innocent, young doctor’s knee:

“Yes, dear. I understand. But believe me. They definitely help me sleep at night…”

“…You see, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks!”

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Credit: Thanks Danielle
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Facebook and Twitter

BlackberryWhen I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

GPSWhen I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

Cordless PhoneTo be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

GroceriesThe world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

TwitterNow I toss it back to them. When they ask me “Paper or Plastic?” I just say “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.”

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Us senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

Remotes

 

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Credit: Thanks Pamela

Sex And Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction!

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say “1-2-3”. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.’
Native American
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked ‘How do I stop the medicine from working?’

Your partner must say “1-2-3-4”,’ he responded ‘but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.’

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said ‘1-2-3!’

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked ‘What was the 1-2-3 for?’

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Credit: Thanks Pamela

Senior’s Personal Ads

Some ‘Senior’ personal ads seen in a Florida newspapers:

Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′)
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion
Matching white shoes and belt a plus

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation
If you are the silent type, let’s get together
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock
Still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
And still like to play the guitar
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen
Let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Let’s put our two heads together

MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well

Elderly Couple

 

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Got My Hands Full

An old farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’

The farmer said ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot’.

The old lady suggested ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.  We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?’

The farmer said ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’

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Credit: Thanks Derek
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Why I Like Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question : What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite….
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

 

As I Get Older I Realize

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Credit: Email – owner unknown
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