Category Archives: Seniors

Funny Quips #24 – For the Oldies

 

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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Passwords

Some elderly friends were venting their frustrations about the woes of modern technology.

“I just can’t ever seem to remember my darn passwords,” grumbled one of them.

One man smiled and said  “Oh really? I can never forget mine!”

“How do you manage it?” asked the first guy curiously.

“Well, I simply set all my passwords to ‘Incorrect’ so that whenever I’m told that my password is incorrect, I’ll remember it!”

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Credit: Thanks Caroline
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The Wedding

Herbert, aged 92, and Elsie, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Herbert suggested they go in.

Herbert asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.

“Medicine for rheumatism?”

“Definitely,” he said.

“How about Viagra?”

“Of course.”

“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

“Yes, the works.”

“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”

“Absolutely.”

“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

“All speeds and sizes.”

“Good,” Herbert said to the pharmacist. “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.”

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Credit: Thanks Rob
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Thief

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of it’s valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”

Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

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Credit: Thanks Charles
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The Importance of Walking

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
And we don’t know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year.
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good, doesn’t she?’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years…
Just getting “over the hill”.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

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Credit: Thanks Joan
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Scottish Divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don’t do a single thing until I get there.

I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Doing a Better Job

A girl is out in the back yard with her grandpa and is studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She asks if she can touch his face, and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles.

She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally she asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

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Credit: Thanks Jenny
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Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (A.A.A.D.D.)

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS – This is how it manifests:

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I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on
the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

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As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

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I decide to go through the mail before I  
wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

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So, I decide to put the bills back on the table
and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

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I open my cheque book and see that there is only 
one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study. So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

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I’m going to look for my cheques,  but first I need
to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

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The Pepsi is getting warm,  and I decide to 
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye – they need water.

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I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover
my reading glasses that I’ve been searching
for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

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I set the glasses back down on the counter, 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

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I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,  
I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t
remember that it’s on the kitchen table.
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

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I pour some water in the flowers, but 
quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

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Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

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At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed
The bills aren’t paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don’t have enough water
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
I can’t find the remote
I can’t find my glasses
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today ……..
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

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I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll
try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email….

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Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Happy Father’s Day

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty brunette in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset.

He spoke to the salesman sharply.

“Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price…. See you later, Dad, Happy Father’s Day.”

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Funny Quips #18- For Grandma and Grandpa

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Credit: Thanks to so many
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