The Wedding

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy’s forthcoming wedding.

“Och, it’s all goin’ pure brilliant” says Jimmy. “Ar’ve got everythin’
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night”.

Archie nods approvingly.

“I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jimmy.

“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s magic, you’ll look pure smart in that.”

What’s the tartan?….”

“Och” says Jimmy, “A’d imagine she’ll be in white.”

 

Pass Me The Newspaper

I said to the wife “Get me
a newspaper”.

“Don’t be silly” she said “You can borrow my iPad”.

That spider never knew what hit it.

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Leather Dresses

Do you know that when a woman
wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he thinks irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a New Car!

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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The Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom ‘I think I am going to have a little broom!’

‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.

‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!’

And the best man says “Sounds to me like she’s been sweeping around”.

 

Oh, the ones that make you groan……

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Credit: Thanks Saul
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Letter of Recommendation

Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Addendum……
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

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Credit: Thanks Pamela

Out of the Mouths of Babes – Crocodile

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Todays Life Lesson

Farm

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing, he would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Stepping Stones

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred – forgive
Free your mind from worries – most never happen
Live simply and appreciate what you have
Give more
Expect less

Now, enough of that ….. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Donkey

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Credit: Thanks Cheryl
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Unusual Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second  black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

“What happened to her?”

The man replied “My dog attacked and killed her”.

He inquired further “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her”.

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied “Get in line“.

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Glimpse the Future

Not so impossible ……………

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This is amazing and from what is happening with technology now, it is all quite feasible – worth thinking about.
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they got bankrupt. What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 year – and most people don’t see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on paper film again?

Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore’s Law. So, as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long time, before it became way superior and got mainstream in only a few short years.

It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.
Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.

Welcome to the Exponential Age

Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.

Uber is just a software tool, they don’t own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.

Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don’t own any properties.

Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world.

This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.

In the US, young lawyers already don’t get jobs. Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So if you study law, you may wish to reconsider your chosen vocation. There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.

Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 time more accurate than human nurses.

Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans.

In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.

Autonomous Cars: In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don’t want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving. Our kids will never get a driver’s licence and will never own a car.

It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that. We can transform former parking space into parks. 1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide.

We now have one accident every 100,000 km, with autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 10 million km. That will save a million lives each year.

Most car companies might become bankrupt. Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google electric vehicles) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels. It’s been said that engineers from Volkswagen and Audi are completely terrified of Tesla.

Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100$ cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.

Property:  Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighborhood.

Electric cars will become mainstream until 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on electric.

Electricity:  Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the impact. Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out of business by 2025.

With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter. We don’t have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.

Health: The Tricorder X Prize will be announced this year. There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the “Tricorder” from Star Trek) that works with you phone, which takes your retina scan, you blood sample and you breath into it. It then analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medicine, nearly for free.

3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from 18,000$ to 400$ within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes. Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amout of spare parts they used to have in the past. At the end of this year, new smartphones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home. In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that’s being produced will be 3D printed.

Business Opportunities:  If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask yourself: “in the future, do you think we will have that?” and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner? If it doesn’t work with your phone, forget the idea.

And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed in to failure in the 21st century.

Work:  70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a small time.

Agriculture:  There will be a 100$ agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all days on their fields. Aeroponics will need much less water. The first petri dish produced veal is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don’t need that space anymore.

There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labeled as “alternative protein source” (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).

There is an app called “moodies” which can already tell in which mood you are.

Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it’s being displayed when they are telling the truth and when not.

Finances:  Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default reserve currency.

Longevity:  Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year. Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it’s 80 years. The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more that one year increase per year. So we all might live for a long long time, probably way more than 100.

Education:  The cheapest smartphones are already at 10$ in Africa and Asia. By 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone. That means, everyone has the same access to world class education. Every child can use Khan Academy for everything a child learns at school in First World countries.

“We have already released our software in Indonesia and will release it in Arabic, Suaheli and Chinese this Summer, because I see an enormous potential. We will give the English app for free, so that children in Africa can become fluent in English within half a year…….”

Sign of the times…….

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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Final Exam

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

One smart jock in the back of the room asks “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored the Teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says “Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

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Credit: Thanks Pamela
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